Have you ever said ‘yes’ to something and then wished you hadn’t? Did saying yes go against that little voice in your head that says ‘this is a bad decision?’ Did saying yes go against your values, leading you into a situation that you don’t know how to get out of?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you are not alone. There are millions of people who say ‘yes’ every day but wishing they had said ‘no.’
Why do we do this and are we doomed to keep saying yes when we really want to say no?
Saying yes can result from several places:
1, you are a nice person and want to be perceived as such
2. you truly want to help but don’t know your boundaries
3. you confused sympathy and empathy
4. you want to be seen as a ‘team player’
5. you worry about what the other person will think and/or react
6. you are a people pleaser
There are many more but these are the ones most frequently given by those exhibit these behaviors. But, does this mean that one cannot change their thinking and ‘yes behaviors?’
The answer is a resounding NO; however, it will involve changing old behaviors and adopting new ones which can, by themselves, be scary and stop any new adaptations. Hope is not lost but this will take some time and effort on your part.
There is an art to saying ‘no’ – you can do so with assertiveness and confidence, while leaving the other person feeling fine with the decision. I find most people know when they are crossing a line and overstepping a boundary – yours.
Today’s message covers the reasons why, with follow-up on the how. Before making any change(s), it’s important to understand the whys of your behavior and need to say yes. Here is an exercise to get you started:
Reflection allows you to look back and consider the harm or regret that saying “yes” has caused you in the past. This will help you stay firm and resolute when you need to say “no” in the future.
The Last Time I Said “Yes” And Regretted It
When is the last time you said “yes” and truly regretted it? You probably don’t have to think too hard about this one. It might have been as simple as saying “yes” to an invite you weren’t feeling, or it might have been something more serious. Regardless of what it was, take some time to write about it now.
- Why did you say yes?
- Did the relationship with the other party influence my saying yes?
- How would saying no have helped me?
- What would I do different next time?
Self-reflection is a very powerful way to understand ourselves and, then, make any needed corrections for the future. Stay tuned to more….
“Half of the troubles in life can be traced to saying “yes” to quickly and not saying “no” soon enough.” (Josh Billings)